Sadistic Love

How can it be that the one who’s making me smile
The one who’s been giving me all these happy thoughts
The one I decided to love
Is the one who’s been giving me so much pain?

How can you be the source of my happiness and still
Can cause so much rain
I don’t know if I could still stand loving you
I don’t know if it’s even right to be with you

How can you sleep at night knowing that I’m hurting?
Dying with this pain, I’m dying with so much pain
I don’t know if I could still go on loving you
I don’t know if I could still make it through

Everyday I find myself faking a smile for you
Nothing is okay between us but you are just too blind
To even notice that I am dying with this pain
So much grief and suffering I’m sick of walking in the rain

But it’s amazing what love can do to you
It almost had the same effect as you do
Although right now I am very disappointed in you
I’m sure I could never leave you

Maybe that is why you keep on hurting me
Knowing that you will always have me
Well maybe that is the case for now
Maybe loving you is all I could do for now

But someday soon I could set myself free from you
Soon I’ll break free from these shackles forged just for me
By you and your selfish ways I will soon be free from unhappiness
From all the grief and pain you’ve caused me.

My Sweetest Downfall

Wait a minute, can I talk to you for a second

Slow down, there is no need to fight

No need to scream I could hear you loud & clear

I don’t want another fight

Another eventful night

Are you listening thru the angry words you say?

So you really want it to be this way?

Slow down, I’m not going anywhere

Staying right here

I will be here

Calm down cry as much as you want

Hit me with all you’ve got

I am not angry

I can never stand being angry

Not with you, no not with you

I will wait until you’re through

Throw punches in the air

Please blame me for everything

Cry as much as you want

I will catch them all

I will patiently wait

Even if you don’t want to talk

I will be right here

Always right here

I will never leave you.

Annie's Lament

It has been a while since we’ve talked

I haven’t seen your pretty face for a while now

But I am not sad

In fact it was my decision not to talk to you

Because I don’t want to

I thought we are something special

But I guess I thought wrong

I didn’t ask for anything

So why are you giving me so much pain?

Never, ever asked for this

I thought you’re somebody I could trust

I was trusting you

Willingly, opening up to you

Setting aside the things that I fear

Only for you, just for you

Every thing seemed fine at first

I almost fell for it

I was happy then being a part of you

My saving grace

But why did you slam the door on my face?

Unwanted

album: Let Go (2002),
My World (DVD + CD) (2003)


All that I did was walk over, start off by shaking your hand
That's how it went
I had a smile on my face and I sat up straight

Oh, yeah, yeah
I wanted to know ya
I wanted to show you

[chorus:]
You don't know me, don't ignore me
You don't want me there, you just shut me out
You don't know me, don't ignore me
If you had your way, you'd just shut me up
Make me go away...

(I'm so unwanted)

No, I just don't understand why you won't talk to me
It hurts
That I'm so unwanted for nothing
Don't talk words against me

I wanted to know ya
I wanted to show you

[chorus:]
You don't know me, don't ignore me
You don't want me there, you just shut me out
You don't know me, don't ignore me
If you had your way, you'd just shut me up
Make me go away...
Make me go away!

I tried to belong it didn't seem wrong
My head aches
It's been so long I'll write this song
If that's what it takes
Yeah, yeah, yeah...

[chorus:] [2x]
You don't know me, don't ignore me
You don't want me there, you just shut me out
You don't know me, don't ignore me
If you had your way, you'd just shut me up
Make me go away...

Make me go away, yeah, yeah...
Make me go away

Together Forever

Together, forever
that was our promise to each other
Do you still remember?
Now it seems you don't care
about the dreams we built together

Together forever
best friends forever and ever
But you wouldn't even bother
about the pain that I suffer

Always thought we'd be better
better as we grow older
Thought time would make us stronger
standing through every stormy weather

Watching us falter
growing farther apart from each other
the gap is getting wider
issues getting bigger
faith starting to waver
love turning to anger
cold gets even colder

Where do we go from here I wonder
can't even cry upon your shoulder
the ones you used to offer
A love I thought I'd have forever
when we promised each other...
TOGETHER FOREVER.

22

I don't know what to do
confused and alone again
is there something new?
Why can't I belong
not even between right or wrong?
Why am I here?
I know I'm not always wrong
but it seems that I could never do things right
What am I living for?
I see people dying everyday
at times like these how I envy them
Wishing that it was me instead
I don't give a damn of how many will grieve over me
coz I'm pretty sure there's none
they'd even be glad that I'm gone
I'm perplexed by the way things work
I'm neither even careful nor cautious
In fact I am careless
Why is accident trying to avoid me?
while I invite it openly
If I'm not such a chicken shit
I would have drawn that knife
straight through my heart
thrusting it deep until I bleed to death
and never would have reached twenty-two.

Monologue Act 2

I'm sick & tired
of hiding my face to the world
but what's it to you?
If I reveal my heart & soul
would it do me any good
if I admit my faults and fears?
Am I trapped here forever
or will I ever make it out?
I'm so scared of death
to put down the mask I hold
reveal the secrets I owned
Would you be surprised if I speak?
show the darkness in me
Wondering what you would think of me
if I show you everything
I'm not who you thought I'd be.

Let Go

You finally broke your silence
after ignoring me for 28 days
Now you're asking me about my plans
like the decision lies in my hands

You asked if you could come here
I asked, "thought you've already disappeared?"
Well, I wanted to but didn't though
guess my courage is just a show

My mind says, 'no'
my heart says, 'I don't know'
One thing's for sure
I'm sick & tired of you
you've been lying to my face
I guess this isn't the time & place
for our love to grow
Why don't you just let go?

I wonder what kinda show
you're going to play with me tomorrow
I don't want your gift of sorrow
this is as far as I can go

I don't want you back
I want you to go
Deep down inside this I know
but why can't I just let go?

Slept So Long

Walking, waiting
Alone without a care
Hoping, and hating
Things that I can't bare

Did you think it's cool to walk right up
To take my life and fuck it up
Well did you
Well did you

I see hell in your eyes
Taken in by surprise
Touching you makes me feel alive
Touching you makes me die inside

Walking, waiting
Alone without a care
Hoping, and hating
Things that I can't bare

Did you think its cool to walk right up
To take my life and fuck it up
Well did you
I hate you

I see hell in your eyes
Taken in by surprise
Touching you makes me feel alive
Touching you makes me die inside

I've slept so long without you
It's tearing me apart, too
How to get this far
Playing games with this old heart

I've killed a million petty souls
But I couldn't kill you
I've slept so long without you

I see Hell in your eyes
Taken in by surprise
Touching you makes me feel alive
Touching you makes me die inside

I see Hell in your eyes
Taken in by surprise
Touching you makes me feel alive
Touching you makes me die inside

Felix Street

You walked away but you left a glance
that tells me I should dare

But I can't understand the circumstance
left in the cold I was bare

Taking for granted, losing the last chance
We've got no time to spare

Leaving me, still my soul's in a trance
I should have known that you do care.

You'll Miss the Day I'll Die

My mind is in circles
My body's in wires
I'm feeling kinda helpless
Can't move, I'm motionless

Oh please, stay with me
Don't leave 'coz I'll grieve
This will be the last time
If you go...
You'll miss the day I'll die

I've been waiting for so long
You and I should be together
This is not happening
You're leaving, my life's fading

At last I saw you
I'm now satisfied
Mission of mine is fulfilled
Sure you really wanna leave?

No to Love

Why Am I Still Single?

I have been asked that annoying question too many times that I practically lost count. There’s this guy who checked out my friendster account before and asked the same thing…don’t you think it’s kinda off to ask that question to a perfect stranger?!

I have a lot of reasons on why I stay single and if only these people knew the hell that I’ve been through…I doubt if they would dare ask that question again!

I get the same thing every time there’s a family gathering…don’t they have better things to do than bother me with this nonsense?!

Okay so here’s my pathetic excuse…

I thought I was going to be married at a very young age…say right after finishing school. But I thought wrong. I thought my first boy friend would be my last since I always thought that we had it made, that we will soon wed. But the odds were against us that is why we had to part ways...then years had pass things got even more complicated thus sealed our fate. We can never be together…ever again!

Then the year after that incident something happened that changed my perspective in life forever…it made me so afraid to trust myself with anyone…even harder to trust myself. Imagine finding out that everything you had everything you believed in turned out to be all lies…

Bitterness…

I lived my life like a clown. Smiling, sparkling personality on the outside hiding the dark ominous cloud inside. People would come up to me and tell me that I’m very lucky since they don’t see me being troubled or bothered by the daily bullshit that life brings…that’s what they all thought. They see me as the happy girl who doesn’t have any care in the world but the next anime series that she wanted to watch…or the next record that she wanted to buy…they didn’t know of this crushing loneliness that is slowly consuming my entire being.

I chose to be single because all the things that I have been through… made me want to keep my heart with a lock and no key. I still allow myself to like someone though…but I have decided to say no to love.

Just Thinking...

I have been thinking about death a lot lately. Death in my family and friends…I can’t bear the thought. There were times that I would lose sleep because of the anxiety the thought of losing one of them brings. I would rather die ahead of any of them than go through the pain of losing them. I am not being selfish here now am I?!

I just heard that one of my office mates’s been shot and is in critical condition now as I write. Although we are not that close I still feel sad for him. Situation like this makes me think and ask myself, “What if it’s me?” What would I do?!”

There was a time when I actually thought I had nothing to live for and I wished for my own death. Thinking that things would be better and this world would be happier without me around. Is that what wise people call “self-pity”?! I don’t know. It’s just that I felt so alone, hopeless and worthless.

I had my own close calls with accidents…some are fatal even. Most people would be so thankful they had been given another chance at life but not me. I was such a terrible person. Ungrateful. A couple of years back, I was pretty sure I won’t survive and that I would soon fade…

But now who would have thought that I would be here today....smiling.

With renewed hope and faith in others. Sure I am still skeptic & terrified to trust anyone with my heart again...but now I am a couple of steps closer in changing my point of view. I will be very extra careful but I know that the negative feelings I had back then are now distant memories of my past.

Season of Fireworks

I’m not talking about the Taiwanese boy band’s song…

Today is Makati Day and the fireworks display coming from all the Barangays around the City is ongoing as I write. There was a time that I couldn’t bear to watch the beautiful display of mankind’s ingenuity and terrible way of wasting a huge amount of money. That was when my ex & I broke up. The break up was not tragic at all…we both decided to move on since it’s never going to work between the two of us.

Now where do the fireworks fit in to my little trip down memory lane? I love fireworks…I love watching the beautiful lights it creates up in the night sky. When I was younger I used to dream of watching that beauty under a starry sky with the one I love…he (my ex) made my wish come true. Wrapped around his loving arms I enjoyed the beauty of that moment…a moment that I thought would last forever…time made me realize how foolish that was.

After a couple of years later…here I am standing alone under the starry night sky watching the spectacular fireworks display with a smile on my face. I’m not smiling because I’m doing well and I heard that he’s not.

I’m smiling because I am able to enjoy the beauty of fireworks once again…minus the tears, sad and painful memories... …smiling because I have found a new set of friends, people I could talk to… …watching the fireworks, thinking of someone else…someone who brings a new reason for me to smile… (Though he could really make me sad sometimes)

Come to think of it…my ex & I watched the fireworks on the same night just a couple of years back…

Shitty Day

Whatta a long day! I had a shitty day at the office. It’s hard working with people who thinks that the world revolves around them and no one else! I am so damn sick & tired of this "me first attitude"! But all I can do is deal with them every day. I can't quit my job since it pays well. Now this is the downside of working for money and not for passion. Passion huh?! I really don't have any. There's nothing to be passionate about my job! Imagine having an asshole for a boss and stuck-up colleagues! Damn! My friends told me to just quit if I'm no longer happy with my job. HAH! Easy for them to say! Besides, everywhere you go there will always be assholes - for whether it's your boss or colleagues. Quitting is not really the answer.

And I hate running away!